I have had many positives since being released from prison on the 9th June 2017, however, none more so than seeing my name on an advertisement for this years War of Words. It’s surreal to think that this time last year I was still in prison dreaming of these days, wondering if I will be able to do what it is I wanted to do, well planning to do still at that stage.
Ironically, mentioning positives, as I write this blog today, I write-through wet eyes because I am in a very dark place. Maybe I am writing it to prove to myself that; I am not a bad person, my intentions are true, my heart is pure and my friendship real because I have become drained from having to explain and justify myself to others anymore. I wonder how many people really! understand mental health. I know they say they do and they don’t judge and go on to do nothing else. I tried to explain myself earlier to someone, I won’t name anyone because they wasn’t to know, and they said no don’t be silly, such an insignificant throw away comment that in this current state I took totally badly, but how do I explain that to the person without making them feel bad, it isn’t their fault, and if you are reading this please don’t feel bad, on normal (whatever that is) rational days it wouldn’t matter one iota. It’s very difficult to not take anything the wrong way when you are in a hole, hanging on by your finger tips.
I have taken a massive drop from the lofty heights of confidence to self loathing and isolation in the click of a switch. A fall that at this exact moment in time I see as the knockout blow, or at least I am at the count of nine. I needed to do something to at least get rid some of the shit going on in my head right now. Even a decision not to make any decisions in this state is causing its own paradox.
Okay, off load time.
I can only talk of my own mental health and will not compare mine to others because although some traits are indeed shared, it is an illness unique to the individual. Not only was I judged by friends not knowing the full facts, I was also dropped like a brick. It is as if people made assumptions based on, all I can tell, their own conscience as I can honestly say I really do not see where I went wrong, which again has put me in a quandary. I am in such a battle right now, a battle that at 18:15 I appear to be winning but cannot yet see the finish line or the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I am winning at the moment because I have kept my phone off, I have stayed off social media and I haven’t made any irrational decisions, YET!. One battle I am involved in is not deleting my group I set up on Facebook called DRB Support because I feel like shit and fuck everything, but I don’t want to do it. I am so proud of what it is achieving and it has exceeded my expectations. It is doing what it says on the tin and to sit back sometimes watching conversations of support happen while people share their inner thoughts is a sight to behold indeed, especially knowing it was because of me, so why don’t I feel proud and why am I even having thoughts of deleting it under the heading fuck everything? I said on there once about my mental health that I didn’t ask for any disorders for my birthday, nor did I ask Santa: Dear Father Christmas Please this year could you put PTSD, DID, BPD, ASPD and ADHD in my stocking this Christmas, if I wanted that many letters I would have asked for scrabble, funny that, that comes scrambled in a box, bit like my brain. This is my group:
I believe every word of that statement as well, yeah my past is littered with mistakes but I have learnt from them and my actions, I felt, would speak louder than my words, clearly not. I don’t understand life out here in society any more. People are even doing each other wrong or are accusing each other of doing wrong. WHY?? I don’t get it, and even when people do fall out they spend the next, god knows how long, telling anyone that will listen how the other person means nothing to them and that they won’t waste another moment on them. Thought love was unconditional same as friendship, if you tell someone you love them 30 times a day is that more love someone feels than someone who only says it once, if you speak to a friend twenty times a day do you therefore love them more than the one you speak to once a month, I have a friend I probably haven’t spoken to in 4 or 5 months but I know as soon as I do, we will just pick up where we left off. It seems to have happened with the rise of Facebook, I mean before Facebook you was happy if two of your mates said your hair looked nice, now people want 26,000,000 people to like it. I am also, after eight months, still trying to work out why I was so excited about getting out because at this moment I wish I was back, and that’s taking on board the ‘careful what you wish for metaphor.