All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts. (Shakespere)
Yet which part is me?
I write this blog from the darkest of places and also ironically, as once again I am providing an insight into my mind, a mind that I am also trying to, I suppose, repair, if it is in fact repairable. It is these insights from a disordered paranoid personality that leave me feeling metaphorically naked. It could also be said that I am a hypocrite, because I encourage others to talk, I even provide a platform for them to do so, “I know how important it is to talk”. However, this can be a difficult exercise to perform when you yourself just can’t fathom what the hell is wrong. Which invariably leads on to ‘IT’S ME!!!!!!!!! that’s the problem; not this, not that, not them, not him and not her but me.
“Identity diffusion” refers to a part of the process of a person figuring out who they are. Typically, it is the part of adolescence when a person has not yet fully realized their social identity or defined their personality traits – and they are not actively seeking to.
Am I, due to the length of time spent in prison, actually trying to find my identity now I have lost that of prisoner? It was such an easy identity to own, in fact in my mind psychologically it is where I still go back to, no expectations, Just exist and be. I find life in society bloody hard, conforming to a set of ideals that no one knows, yet, everyone does, allegedly. I wrote a poem once called ‘Despair’ in which the first line reads “lost and alone in a world that makes no sense” I had wrote that a few years ago and is as relevant now as it was then. I had so much desire in jail for what I was going to achieve, I still have that desire but it’s as if direction and focus has gone, full emotional circles.
Out of necessity yesterday I had registered to, once again, sell the Big Issue, what a momentous mistake that was. I had forgotten how judgemental members of society are when viewing someone down on their luck, regardless of the fact I was doing all they could to climb their way up again. In fact I will disclose how it made me feel in the hope this may change a few peoples ways, I had drawn up a pro’s and con’s list of carrying on with my life, of course it wasn’t just because of societies ignorance to a cause, there were a few other variables thrown into the mix. It is obvious which side of the paper won, though I won’t be awarding anyone a gold medal.
Having said that I had, I will say fortunate, to use a food bank here in Norwich, a system run by volunteers from donations from the public, is it that anonymous giving is now the way forward in case they themselves get judged if being seen helping others, we live in a crazy fucked up world.
Well even I must admit that this particular blog, just like my life right now was pointless. Then again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!