What is it with mental health?. Just when I thought I had turned a corner, it comes along and kicks me straight in the nuts. This is why, sometimes, I hate improving because of the fall again. I convince myself that this time will be different, I can feel it’s different, in fact only yesterday I was telling someone how happy I was feeling, the sun was shining, a beautiful day, it was great. Yet here I am one day later wishing I wasn’t here at all, again feeling the pain of being alive. I have some amazing things that are coming up and potentially some incredible things, he writes with no emotional attachment, and that’s the problem it’s always been what’s coming up, I seem to be forever saying, “you wait, you watch this space”, my patience is running so thin I am in danger of just fucking it all off. Of course I know that wouldn’t be the right thing to do, just as it wouldn’t be the right thing to do in taking my own life but it’s not as easy to put it into practice.
It’s hard to talk to people as well, they tell you they are there to listen, yet you start to talk and you get told how to feel, or they try to guess why you are feeling the way you do, I feel the way I do because I live with the constant battle of mental health, does there have to be a reason. It would seem that with no information or very little information people are able to tell your biography and are experts in your life, listening is listening, listening isn’t telling the other person what to do, it isn’t an opportunity for them to tell you their problems or to offer solutions, it’s to listen. For me in those situations I switch off and say no more as there is no point. Maybe this is why, many months ago, I started writing this blog so I can get my words out without being told what to do, well apart from the occasional red squiggly line that taunts me when I spell something wrong or in fact the grey shadowy one that mocks my grammar as I write.
Am I wrong in trying to fight this battle without medication? Am I wrong in feeling the way I do? Because a lot of the time, even from those with the best intentions in the world, I feel I have to apologise for how I feel. Have to continually be put under the microscope, people talking behind my back about Dave having another episode, no I shouldn’t think like that and how dare I consider my friends do that behind my back. I sometimes question also, peoples, even the closest of friends, intentions, are they genuinely concerned about me or more to do with the fact how they would feel if I had done something ‘stupid’? You know what’s stupid to one person can be the ultimate of perfection to another, just because the definition in the dictionary says one thing, in a lot of cases there is more than one definition, that’s the same as me, lot’s of definitions, today stupid means one thing tomorrow it will mean something else, and for a multitude of reasons. I like my screen, again apart from the lines as discussed, it feels safe to tell it what I want, no fear of judgement, no advice given.
As I write this a sense of selfishness engulfs me, telling me to shut up whining and to think of others, tears are rolling down my cheeks as I battle to off load my inner self onto my non judgmental screen. I know it’s me and I’m sorry for feeling like this, I’m sorry my mental health in some way inconveniences others lives. I have been trying to return it for many years but don’t seem able to find the receipt, or even the place where I got it from, in fact I don’t even remember where I got it from or even asking for it.
This has got to be the best therapy ever writing like this, at 48 years old I now finally understand the concept of having a diary.